The White Rabbit

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.
-Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Said by the King to the White Rabbit
English author & recreational mathematician (1832 - 1898)

I followed the white rabbit this weekend and so I do not know where to begin, so I will attempt to being at the beginning. On Friday night my friend asked me to accompany her to something called a Pure Romance party which was being thrown by her coworker. For those of you who do not know what that is, it was marketed to me as a get together of sorts where one may procure sexual delights while eating tasty treats.... What my dear friend failed to mention to me was that her coworker and EVERYONE else at the party were over 55. Imagine the most sexually awkward Guess Whose Coming to Dinner...and you still wouldn't quite get it. Imagine if all of your mom's friends called you into a basement, put a vibrator in your hand and told you that you were about to play "Never have I ever" then you might have a better idea. Oh wait, did I mention that their version of Never have I Ever involves sitting on other peoples laps? I spent the first half of my Friday night thinking every 5 minutes "what new fresh hell is this?".......sitting in a half moon kindergarten circle passing around creams and devices, then sitting on middle aged woman's laps admitting to tales of my sexual exploits(PS. you don't get to explain, you just move to the next lap. I didn't get to say things like "it was college!"... "Jack Daniels is a hell of a drug!"). After that nightmare we were sent upstairs to the snack table, near the pictures of the hosts freckle faced children to look through our catalogue and make our selections. I could feel the children in the pictures judging me. I looked up from my booklet to see 7 Angela Lansburys putting on their spectacles, licking the tip of their pointer fingers then their lips and scanning the pages. One of them in particular had every model of everything and some Xanex she wasn't afraid to offer like they were tic tacs. Afterwards I went home and tried to drink until I couldn't feel feelings anymore, but that was a temporary fix....I still can't close my eyes, or look at bananas or smell strawberries.  I shudder when anyone reaches out to touch me. Hopefully I'll be OK in time.

Saturday night, nothing crazy to report. I went to see an amazing Beatles cover band and stayed relatively out of harms way.


Oh, but Sunday.... Hey Ladies, whenever your man comes to you and says "Hey Babe, you know how I 'insert some shit here he did that he only did because of you '?" he is going to ask you to do something terrible. My man followed that with "Can we go to a little person wrestling match?"....  I spent Sunday night in Lakewood with roughly 1,000 other people in a seedy bar backroom watching little people fight each other to the death. I'm not proud of myself. Who should be less proud of themselves? Perhaps the 6 girls who went into the ring during the "half time" show to have a grinding contest. The two best tiny gladiators laid down in the middle of the ring while girls of questionable moral fiber gyrated their tiny pelvises into the mat. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it became a grind off. The one who clearly has spent time on the pole was greatly outshining the other. Her opponent realizing she was in danger of walking away with only her glaring self hatred and some measly participation points ripped off her shirt...and then her bra..... Whenever you are having a bad day Lovers and Friends I want you to think about this story, but most importantly that not only are you NOT grinding a tiny man into oblivion in front of a thousand of your peers, but you didn't take your bra off only to STILL LOSE to a more skill full fully clothed opponent..... I have a feeling that the girl who lost's darkest days are not behind her.

May God have mercy on us all....