Vibrator Monologues

I had a batchelorette party to go to, so I realized that requires a batchelorette present. Believe it or not this was my first batchelorette party so I did a little Google search to find out what the appropriate gift is. It turns out that the bride expects things from you that will enhance her sexy time with her new mate. I realized with my insane work schedule I would have little time to procure such things, so I had to find a place in my hometown. Turns out, that our town is too small and too large to have an adult toy store, but via the interwebs I found out that Walgreen's (the Cadillac of CVSs) has its own little freak nasty section. I cruised on over,pulled up outside, and parked.

I couldn't get out of the car. Intense paralyzing waves of Catholic guilt were washing over me. Finally I looked myself in the mirror and I said "you stay gold, Ponyboy...stay gold" Once inside I quickly realized that I didn't have time to wander the store searching for this stuff. So I called over an employee and here's where it goes down hill.

Because I am Barry Badgernath (if you haven't seen Beer Fest, stop what you're doing and go rent it immediately...classic) what I thought I said was:

"Excuse me valued Walgreen's team member, please show me to your finest accoutrements for sexual stimulation"

That is not what I said.

I whispered the following:

"So if I was....... that's silly, not me, not that I wouldn't do that, I mean if you do, I'm not judging you, but this is for someone else whose not here....I mean not just anyone, I know her.....let me start over....in the beginning...... when a man and a woman love each other....... *points to crotch* if you want to do stuff with your downstairs bathing suit area..."

Finally after I sweat through my coat, the girl laughed and said "I think I know what you're looking for". We made our way through the Narnia that is the geriatric isle, diapers and baby wipes, and then there it was....

There are way more choices there than one would think.  Because I am Chandler Bing when I reached up to read the packaging on one of the products I knocked EVERYTHING over and said "oh no, oh no no no".  Every grandfather and mother of 3 children in the tri-county area peered into the isle to see me holding what can only be described as a plethora of dildos,vibrators and lubes.  I laughed awkwardly and said "these aren't my one a day women's vitamins".....tough crowd.

So finally I made a choice and walked up to the check out counter to see everyone's uncle that lives with their grandma standing behind the register. Just when I felt the sweat beads starting to form again, the girl from before says she'll ring me up at the make up counter. *mental fist pump* I thought I was home free. She asked me if I had my Walgreen's card with me ,I told her I didn't so she said she could look it up with my phone number and I thought, fantastic... I did not know she was new. As soon as I saw her reach for the phone I had to fight the urge to slap it out of her hand, I knew what was coming. "Back up at the make up counter, BACK UP"...F*** me.

So after that public shaming I rushed out the front door, only to see my face 30 years from now... that's right folks. Ran right into my mother.

Mom: We got to stop meeting like this *hearty laugh*...get it?

Me: Richard Pryor much? love it, anywho....

Mom: What did you get babe, any good deals?

Me: Oh stuff, how about them Indians tho, am I right? Crazy, well, good seein ya. Really great stuff. Let's do lunch!!Ok, buh-bye then...

Mom:*laughter* quit being crazy girl, whats in the bag?

*hang my head...hand her the bag*

DEAFENING SILENCE......MOM BLINKING ...ALOT

Mom: *cough,cough* Honey and whip cream are on sale at Marc's...that's all I'm going to say.

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to

So, recently I went to Kalahari for the second time with my boyfriends family. I had a delightful time.  It was full of laughs, spirits and frivolity. But this was my second time going. My first time was not so uneventful. *Cue wavy Saved By the Bell flashback lines* . Many fortnights ago, when my boyfriend and I had just begun dating, his mother invited me on a fun filled family trip to the 2000s Wally World also known as Kalahari. I was beyond anxious to go, the commercials made stewing in child urine soup look like a gangsta's paradise.  Everything was going smoothly until it was suggested  that my boyfriend and I , his sister and her husband go down a ride called "The Toilet Bowl". The name itself is a deterrent which is why I was , in a word, deterred; not to mention the fact that it is necessary to climb roughly 462 steps before even making it to this death trap. I could feel the air getting thinner the higher we climbed Mordor but of course I got the usual guilt trip. Some woman in front of me over heard me rubbing my hands together nervously and mumbling my protests under my breath "pretty sure I heard this causes cancer, but I mean, whatever".... and felt the need to turn around, display her small child to me and say " He's been down it 20 times, you'll be fine. Look, there's more little children over there.  If they can do it, so can you".  I wanted to say "Shut your goddamn mouth when your talking to me, and tell your oompa loompa to face forward" but instead I gave her the fake PTA mom smile and soldiered on.
It is important to note that at this time in my life I also did not give 2 shits about eating properly or working out or doing what is necessary to look like an acceptable human being. I would sometimes just open my closet door and whisper " Be cool, my babies. We will be together again soon". I was buying my dress pants at Walmart....at night- among my people .... because they have stretchy waist bands and that was all that would fit me. #Mean Girls Swag #Self respect fail
Even as they were loading me into the shoot I was saying things that made no sense like, "you know what,i need to take a knee, can we talk about this?" , "is there a seat belt?" , "i think i pulled a hammy" and "im waiting for my son".  They soon figured out I had no son and shoved me off to certain death. The "Toilet Bowl" is exactly that. You slide down a tube in total darkness until you drop into a toilet bowl, swirl around it and fall through a hole into the pool below.  The strategy is to try to position your body so that you may fall through the hole feet first, sink down in the pool and swim out. Of course that didn't work out for me and I fell through the hole head first. I got disoriented and swam to the bottom of the pool instead of the top. At one point I could have sworn I heard 'The Sound of Silence' playing in the distance.  "Hello darkness my old friend..."  I clearly and distinctly remember having the thought, "Really? This is how I'm gonna go out? In a goddamn plastic Serengeti ? Fine... just take me" . As soon as I gave up, I of course floated to the top. However by that time, it became clear to the people on the main land that a small brown child was drowning in the pool. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw McLovin's dopple ganger running into the pool with his red baywatch board  blowing his whistle at no one in particular. When my boyfriend began to the enter the pool to save my embarrassing life, McLovin blew his tiny rape whistle in my boyfriend's face and screamed in his prepubescent voice "Sir! Stay where you are sir.Sir , stay back!" Even when Michael Cera and I got to the area of the pool where I could touch the bottom, he refused to let me not hold on to the baywatch board; his voice cracking as he squeaked about protocol. This is my nightmare. This is my Nam. I started Lieutenant Danning the shit out of this kid, but he was having none of it and Forest Gumped me to safety  Naturally my boyfriend's entire family is standing at the edge of the pool watching the demise of my dignity and just when I think its over and Ichibod Crane is dragging my shell of a human being to the shore, my boyfriend's sister alerts me to the fact that my top has come down, and my sweater meat is on display. So just to recap, I almost drowned on a child's slide, got dragged to safety by a guy whose balls hadn't dropped and then proceeded to flash my tig ol bitties to my boyfriend's immediate family as well as his aunts, uncle and cousins and all other children and parents who were watching this train wreck. Not a good look.

This most recent time I came wearing a one piece and avoided my Nemesis all together, Fool me once.....