I had a batchelorette party to go to, so I realized that requires a batchelorette present. Believe it or not this was my first batchelorette party so I did a little Google search to find out what the appropriate gift is. It turns out that the bride expects things from you that will enhance her sexy time with her new mate. I realized with my insane work schedule I would have little time to procure such things, so I had to find a place in my hometown. Turns out, that our town is too small and too large to have an adult toy store, but via the interwebs I found out that Walgreen's (the Cadillac of CVSs) has its own little freak nasty section. I cruised on over,pulled up outside, and parked.
I couldn't get out of the car. Intense paralyzing waves of Catholic guilt were washing over me. Finally I looked myself in the mirror and I said "you stay gold, Ponyboy...stay gold" Once inside I quickly realized that I didn't have time to wander the store searching for this stuff. So I called over an employee and here's where it goes down hill.
Because I am Barry Badgernath (if you haven't seen Beer Fest, stop what you're doing and go rent it immediately...classic) what I thought I said was:
"Excuse me valued Walgreen's team member, please show me to your finest accoutrements for sexual stimulation"
That is not what I said.
I whispered the following:
"So if I was....... that's silly, not me, not that I wouldn't do that, I mean if you do, I'm not judging you, but this is for someone else whose not here....I mean not just anyone, I know her.....let me start over....in the beginning...... when a man and a woman love each other....... *points to crotch* if you want to do stuff with your downstairs bathing suit area..."
Finally after I sweat through my coat, the girl laughed and said "I think I know what you're looking for". We made our way through the Narnia that is the geriatric isle, diapers and baby wipes, and then there it was....
There are way more choices there than one would think. Because I am Chandler Bing when I reached up to read the packaging on one of the products I knocked EVERYTHING over and said "oh no, oh no no no". Every grandfather and mother of 3 children in the tri-county area peered into the isle to see me holding what can only be described as a plethora of dildos,vibrators and lubes. I laughed awkwardly and said "these aren't my one a day women's vitamins".....tough crowd.
So finally I made a choice and walked up to the check out counter to see everyone's uncle that lives with their grandma standing behind the register. Just when I felt the sweat beads starting to form again, the girl from before says she'll ring me up at the make up counter. *mental fist pump* I thought I was home free. She asked me if I had my Walgreen's card with me ,I told her I didn't so she said she could look it up with my phone number and I thought, fantastic... I did not know she was new. As soon as I saw her reach for the phone I had to fight the urge to slap it out of her hand, I knew what was coming. "Back up at the make up counter, BACK UP"...F*** me.
So after that public shaming I rushed out the front door, only to see my face 30 years from now... that's right folks. Ran right into my mother.
Mom: We got to stop meeting like this *hearty laugh*...get it?
Me: Richard Pryor much? love it, anywho....
Mom: What did you get babe, any good deals?
Me: Oh stuff, how about them Indians tho, am I right? Crazy, well, good seein ya. Really great stuff. Let's do lunch!!Ok, buh-bye then...
Mom:*laughter* quit being crazy girl, whats in the bag?
*hang my head...hand her the bag*
DEAFENING SILENCE......MOM BLINKING ...ALOT
Mom: *cough,cough* Honey and whip cream are on sale at Marc's...that's all I'm going to say.
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